Almost back on the mat
10 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in meditation, Uncategorized, yoga
It’s been a struggle to get back on the mat since returning from the trip to my mother’s. The trip went better than I might have hoped in some ways and worse in others. Having promised myself that this blog would record my progress with yoga I feel committed to write about what happened and whether my practice helped.
When I got home I was exhausted both mentally and physically. In April so much needs doing in the garden so I was able to throw myself into that and not to think about the trip and how it went. I didn’t feel like yoga or meditation I just wanted to be busy.
My preparations for the visit had gone well. I had not experienced any of the stress related health problems I usually get before an encounter with my mother. Apparently I raced around the house a bit in the last few days before leaving. I hate travelling without being up to date on the housework, watering all the plants and so on. So I do get a bit manic before any trip. The yoga and mindfulness made me feel much calmer than usual though.
The journey was straightforward and all went well. Mum was waiting for me at the station standing on the platform in a raincoat with the hood up. At first I didn’t recognise her. She is painfully thin and really starting to look old now. I could tell she was apprehensive about the meeting. She had come up with some really strange ideas about our relationship and why I had reacted the way I did when she behaved so appallingly when my father died. I realise she has difficulty putting herself in other people’s shoes and it’s not something she tries to do very often.
It’s too painful to document everything that happened over the next 3 days. It took me almost 12 hours straight to tell the story when I got home. It’s clear that mum is getting too old to change the habits of a lifetime. She will be 80 next year. However, I know I don’t have to put up with snide and hurtful comments or attempts at manipulation any more. I told her how hurtful she had been in the past and that I intended to point it out every time it happened in the future. It was clear she didn’t really understand until I stopped her in mid flow after one of her remarks. I did this every time it happened which led to a lot of interrupted conversations. It was hard work but it was worth it because all sources of misunderstanding and possible resentment got nipped in the bud. She really hadn’t understood how I or my sister felt about the way she behaves towards us. She tried making excuses but in the end the important point was that I believe she had not intended hurt or unpleasantness.
I felt we had made good progress. I even managed to get up every morning and practice some sun salutations before breakfast. Sadly there were other things. Mum’s behaviour with other people is borderline embarrassing. I hate to say it but she has turned into a bitter person with a real chip on her shoulder. She spends a lot of time writing to newspapers correcting their errors. She has a collection of things that ‘she has put right’ which she was proud to show me. On the last morning we went for a walk on the beach and she harangued a dog walker telling him his dog was not allowed there. The poor man was very upset and it turned out she was wrong, the ‘no dogs’ signs were not up yet. I asked her why she felt the need to spoil someone else’s day without even getting her facts right. She had no answer.
I now understand that Mum’s biggest problem is her inability to think about how other people feel, in other words ‘to put herself ‘in their shoes’. It’s human nature to think ‘what does this mean to me’ and to react accordingly. That’s why she couldn’t understand how my sister and I felt when our Dad died. For her it was a good thing. He had been ill for a long time, it was a good excuse for a family get together and she hoped he had left her some money. It never actually occurred to her that we might be upset. She seemed really surprised when I explained that I had a good relationship with him and would miss him.
So here it is: I visited my mother, we made our peace and now have a more honest relationship. The yoga and mindfulness really helped me stay calm and in the moment. It does feel like real progress. I now understand Mum much better. I hope she understands me a little more too. The real lesson for me has been the discovery that she finds it so difficult to see that other people may have different feelings and points of view and that these are as valid as hers. I’ve thought a lot about this and about my own behaviour. Mum’s a lonely little old lady now and she’s going to need my care and compassion in the future. So I have to put the past behind me and just deal with her in the present. I have to make sure I put myself in others shoes a bit more often too.
Testing time ahead
03 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in aerobics, meditation, Uncategorized, yoga Tags: meditation, mindfulness, mothers & daughters, yoga
Relationships with parents can be tricky. The mother/daughter relationship can be a real minefield. There seems to be a popularly held view that mothers and daughters should be friends, perhaps even best friends. The empirical evidence I have collected during my life indicates that is complete rubbish. Most of my friends have challenging relationships with their mums. I have to admit that mine is probably the most difficult. The cultural pressure to be friends only creates expectations that make it worse.
When I was a very young child my mum was often in great pain. She had 2 slipped discs which were not diagnosed for almost ten years. Her pain made her very short tempered and she often lashed out. As the eldest of two daughters I soon learnt to read her moods and try to anticipate her every need. This may have made life a lot easier in the short term but it stored up a lot of problems for the future.
My parents had a terrible marriage and my mother nagged my Dad remorselessly especially when he didn’t seem to understand her like I did. My sister had a more honest relationship with Mum and didn’t always let her have her own way. That just led to mum saying that she had only had a second child ‘for insurance’ in case anything happened to me. She needed to be sure that someone would look after her when she got old. In her view that was the main point of having children.
I am ashamed to say I let her think we had a ‘special’ relationship for years. I left home at eighteen so my honesty wasn’t tested that often. Eventually Mum ran off with another man whose third wife had just died. She was surprised that my sister and I were against her decision and that we didn’t think she had had a terrible life with Dad and now deserved some happiness. In fact we felt Dad had suffered most in the marriage. At the time she left him he was suffering from the advanced stages of Parkinson’s disease and was unable to live by himself. My sister and I supported him, made sure he got the care he needed and that she didn’t take him to the cleaners in the subsequent divorce. Whilst the divorce was going on Mum’s solicitor advised her not to speak to me or my sister so we didn’t talk for nearly two years.
I suspect by now this is sounding like a bad novel. Truth, as they say, is often stranger than fiction. Six years after she left Dad, Mum’s new partner died. She was left living miles from anyone she knew and not particularly well off financially. I felt sorry for her, although she had ‘made her own bed’ and we began to rebuild our relationship. It was all going reasonably well with regular phone calls and visits until Dad died last April. Straightaway she assumed he would have left everything to her and tried to organise a family ‘celebration’ for the day of the funeral. Exhausted by lack of sleep during the last few weeks whilst we watched him dying, I finally snapped and told her what I really thought of her, and then I hung up the phone.
A year has passed and we’ve spoken a few times. In two weeks I’m getting on a plane and going to see her for the first time in eighteen months. I’m hoping we can establish a good relationship that will last for the rest of her life. I’m hoping I can summon up enough compassion for both of us to get through four days. I’m hoping she won’t start on her usual topics of my weight, my hair, my clothes, my abandoned career, my partner who is not my husband, followed by character assassinations of my sister and her husband and children. I hope that if she does I can respond appropriately.
It’s looking good so far. In the past prior to visiting my mother, I would experience various psychosomatic symptoms – IBS mainly, along with sleepless nights rehearsing possible conversations. I feel much calmer this time but will the effects of practicing yoga and mindfulness for such a short time be enough? I’ll be watching my breath.
Yoga makes you taller!
01 Apr 2012 4 Comments
in Uncategorized, yoga Tags: gardening, yoga
Well why not? It seems that these days the only way to get attention is with some exaggerated headline. Everything gets marketed with some barely believable claim or other. I’ve got pots of cream to put on my face to stop me aging, a set of CD’s that were supposed to teach me ‘Spanish in Three Months’ and that yoghurt I have for breakfast every morning is going to prevent most illnesses known to man (apparently).
Do we really buy into the fantasy when we purchase these products? Do we really think we can be more attractive, slimmer, healthier, even cleverer just by spending money? Why are we persuaded that we will be happier if only we lost weight, bought some new clothes or the latest gadget?
When I was at school we were taught about something called ‘deferred gratification’. Things worth having or achieving, took time, effort and patience. When I’m gardening I see this all the time. For a plant to thrive, preparation is everything – a deep enough hole, the right compost, enough water but not too much and so on. Pay attention and a plant will soon tell you if it’s happy. When you know a plant you can tell if all is well just by the way it holds itself. A happy plant is perky and upright. If its leaves are drooping or discoloured the opposite is true. Growing a healthy specimen takes time and attention as well as knowing the right conditions for each species. It takes years of learning to even begin to get it right. When you do it is wonderfully rewarding.
Of course you can visit your garden centre and buy full sized plants. Plant them in your garden and hope. I have a neighbour who does that and I’ve come to call it exterior decorating. Every year she spends a fortune on plants. They are always in full bloom when she buys them so she knows what they are supposed to look like. She plants them where they will look their best, regardless of the conditions. By the end of the season over half of them have usually died. It’s very sad to watch to say the least.
Returning to yoga, I realise the lesson is the same. Each pose needs careful attention and mindfulness. Nothing is achieved by rushing or expecting instant results. Too much too soon is more like going backwards.
The other evening I rolled out my mat and stood in tadasana ready to start a series of sun salutations. For some reason I didn’t begin straight away. I moved my feet, balancing carefully to distribute my weight. Then I adjusted my legs and so on all the way up to the crown of my head. It came to me that it’s not called Mountain Pose for nothing. I felt grounded, balanced, so calm and peaceful and tall. I’m only 5ft 0 inches so feeling tall is a new experience. I didn’t want to do anything else but just stand there, feeling perfect.
Years of a sedentary lifestyle and wearing high heeled shoes to work, played havoc with my posture. I suspect that really standing up straight is not something I’ve done very much in the past. I’m taller now.
See what yoga can do!
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
22 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in meditation, Uncategorized, yoga Tags: yoga
I’ve already documented my surprise at the amount of merchandise connected to yoga these days. I was pleased that I have managed to resist the clothes and the expensive props. Who am I kidding? It’s no trouble for me to resist clothes. If it fits, is clean and has no visible holes, I’ll wear it. As I practice alone at home no-one sees me anyway. As for the props, I’ve made my own but I’m time rich and cash poor, others are the opposite.
Meanwhile I seem to have ‘acquired’ a large number of books. I love books. So now I am the proud owner of books on Asanas, Breathing, Mindfulness even Philosophy. I’ve spent hours reading them. I’ve learnt a lot but perhaps I should have spent more time practicing some of it.
Practice, Practice, Practice. Much easier to sit and read a book.
Still now I realise my weakness, it’s something I can work on. I suspect I have already read too much. At one point I had a list of asanas and some breathing exercises I was trying to work on as well as trying to be mindful all the time. Then I started wondering about chakras, mudras and goodness knows what else – confusion reigned. Definitely trying too much too soon. If I’m honest, in the long run some of it may not be for me. I don’t want to be like some enthusiastic new convert who gives up at the first sign of difficulty.
So now I am going back to basics. Starting with the sun salutation, I am restricting myself to just a basic practice and aiming to build up from there. I continue to work on mindfulness and a guided meditation which is on my ipod.
I thought when I started practicing yoga I would get a bit more flexible and feel a bit healthier. That happened for the first few weeks, but in the last week or so something funny began to happen. Various aspects of my health that I have been neglecting or ignoring have started to demand attention. My body is telling me I have limits that I would rather not know about. If I listed them all I would sound like a wreck or a hypochondriac (or both). I am trying to look upon it as a timely wakeup call. I have always thought I would try to grow old gracefully. I suppose that doesn’t mean ignoring age related health problems but accepting them and working to alleviate them as much as possible.
So my collection of books now have their own shelf and I know what I have to do.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
Look what you’re doing!
07 Mar 2012 3 Comments
in Uncategorized, yoga Tags: awareness, dieting, meditation, mindfulness, yoga
This morning I sat down for breakfast with my usual bowl of muesli and half a banana. The sun streamed through the window and my mind wandered off making a list of gardening jobs. The next time I looked down at my bowl it was empty. That was a pity because I still felt hungry and its several hours until lunch.
My husband used to bring me biscuits with a coffee every morning while I was reading my emails. A few weeks ago I asked him to stop bringing the biscuits. I haven’t missed them at all and I realise now that this is because I used to eat them automatically without paying any attention.
One of the best things I have discovered in the last few months is the concept of ‘Awareness’, some call it ‘Mindfulness’ or ‘Being’. There seems to be a great deal written about it and it seems to me that some of that overcomplicates it. The basic message is really quite simple, live now, concentrate on what you are doing, do it well and enjoy it. Even if it’s a horrible task, take pleasure in doing it properly.
As I read some of the literature I realised how much of my life I have wasted worrying about the past and anticipating the future. My husband used to joke that when he travelled a lot on business I was always ‘imagining him in a ditch’. It’s true if he was late home I would worry and imagine all sorts of horrors. When we moved to Spain I almost had a nervous breakdown imaging all the problems we might encounter. Of course some things did go wrong, but not the things I expected. So I might as well have got more sleep and coped with the problems as they arose which I had to do anyway.
Awareness on the practice mat is essential to get the best out of an asana and to avoid injury. It works in the rest of life too. I can still remember my Dad shouting at me ‘look what you’re doing’ as I was showing off attempting to ride my bike without training wheels for the first time. Now I think about it, he said that to me quite often. What a shame I didn’t take more notice.
Never mind, I know I’m going to enjoy my lunch.
Measuring Up
04 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized, yoga Tags: meditation, weightloss, yoga
When I started this blog I intended to use it as a way of both motivating myself and recording my yoga journey. I find when I take up something new or try to make major changes in life it’s far too easy to let things slide after the initial enthusiasm has faded.
At the back of my mind I had vague goals such as general health improvement, both physical and mental. As I’ve always thought of yoga as non-competitive I had no further thoughts about measuring my progress.
The last few weeks have been really interesting. I have read lots about yoga in books and online. The more I find out the more complicated things get. There is so much conflicting information out there.
After a while I began to think I should have some sort of measurement tool. Perhaps a chart with numbers on? I devised something with scores for my health, my familiarity and practice of asanas, my understanding of the yoga philosophy I was reading and my weight. The weight would be a minus score for every 1lb overweight and a plus for every 1lb under that target. I did not take up yoga with aim of losing weight although I did think it might be a by product of a healthier lifestyle.
So then I got sidetracked wondering what my target weight should be. More online research and a weighing session. Huge shock. Not only have I put on 2 stone since my 20’s but I’m heading in the direction of medically obese as opposed to just overweight. OK so some of my clothes have been a bit snug since Christmas but ………………
My table seemed a bit complicated and was designed to have a maximum score of 100. I filled it in based on my situation as it had been on 1st Jan. The score worked out as -13. When I recorded my activities since then I scored +3. So I had fun playing with numbers but I’m not sure it helped.
Meanwhile my yoga practice stalled during a couple of weeks when the house was so cold I couldn’t practice without getting cramp. I then got a stiff neck and decided to stick to reading and meditation only for a couple of weeks.
The meditation is going well. Having read about ‘living in the now’ I have been practicing a lot. I haven’t completely silenced the background mental chatter that was bothering me so much but I have cut it down quite a lot.
Once I could get back on the mat, I started concentrating on a just a few asanas rather than a lot of different ones. Just working on Mountain pose alone has been an interesting exercise. How often to I actually stand up straight and balance properly on my feet? Years of walking around in high heels all day have given me really tight hamstrings. I have already noticed an improvement from practicing Warrior, triangle and a reclining leg stretch.
So where am I really?
Knee deep in theory and conflicting claims but working to sort the wheat from the chaff.
Feeling much healthier and more energetic. After a good session on the mat I always seem to have far more energy.
Sleeping better and eating better. Instead of a G&T and a packet of crisps in front of the early evening news, I’ve developed a liking for herbal tea and the occasional olive. I’ve given up other snacks altogether.
Oh, and I’ve lost half a stone without really trying – Now that has to be progress.
Setting Yourself Free
17 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in meditation, Uncategorized, yoga Tags: meditation, yoga
Adapted from the book on Yoga Nidra by Swami Satananda Saraswati. Sums up everything I have been thinking lately.
"If I come along, how many calories will I burn in a class?"
14 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized, yoga
This is a question that was put to me whilst having a cuppa with a couple of old university friends the other Sunday. I gave a brief answer about yoga being about “much more than that” but what is yoga actually about? And why are so many people caught up in hectic city lifestyles finding happiness through the practice?
Physically speaking, the benefits are pretty well known: improving flexibility, core strength and general levels of fitness.
I just want to stop thinking!
13 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in meditation, Uncategorized, yoga Tags: meditation, yoga
Well no I don’t, but wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just switch off our minds to order?
The late Christopher Hitchens complained about a sign outside an ashram directing visitors to ‘Leave your shoes and your minds at the door’. He interpreted this as meaning that people are not supposed to think once inside.
I’ve never been to an ashram (so I hope anyone who has will correct me if I’m wrong) but perhaps the sign really meant ‘leave what is on your mind at the door’ thus freeing it for complete awareness of whatever happens inside.
My mind is constantly full of trivial clutter. It seems to run on two simultaneous tracks. One is full of thoughts relating to the minutiae of daily life and the other one music. (Mylo Xyloto for ages until yesterday but now Whitney Houston after the news of her recent sad demise.)
To me one of the main benefits of yoga is the awareness and concentration needed. You need to be completely aware of what is going on with your body and your breathing, so there’s space to worry if you remembered to get dinner out of the freezer.
I’ve been studying a couple of books on meditation recently. There are so many things to try but, of course most of them require a quiet space and plenty of time. As I can’t always get away to my mat, I was delighted to come across a chapter titled ‘Moving Meditation’. This practice involves maintaining complete awareness whilst performing a very basic task. The examples given in the book are chopping vegetables or taking a shower.
So the next time I showered I really concentrated. Instead of thinking of the usual list of things to be done and worries of the day, I just concentrated on the water flowing over me and maintained full awareness of what I was doing. It really worked. I felt so much more relaxed afterwards.
Next attempt, the ironing, my least favourite chore. Usually I wait until I have a huge pile to do and then skulk in the basement with music for company. It always seems to take hours. This time I gave the task my full attention, noting the feel of the cloth, the temperature of the steam and the condition of everything I was ironing. As soon as unwanted thoughts crowded in I pushed them away just like any other meditative practice and went back to concentrating on the ironing.
Not only did everything get ironed really well but the time seemed to fly by. I don’t really understand it but I’m looking forward to trying it again. My husband is going to be really surprised to find his shirts aren’t still in the laundry basket for days on end.
Now I’m hoping to extend the practice to other mundane chores. If I pay attention to what I’m doing perhaps I’ll be less forgetful as well.
Now where did I leave those car keys?
Yoga is for life not just for Christmas.
11 Feb 2012 2 Comments
Human beings are pack animals. Perhaps we have evolved with the need to depend on each other and seek reassurance and approval from those who are close to us. This leads us all to follow trends and fashions to a greater or lesser extent. I live away from the mainstream now but even I have to admit that when I was younger I followed the herd as much as the next person.
I was reminded of this last weekend when the Sunday Times published a 50th anniversary issue of their magazine . One of the images from the past, was of Jane Fonda, resplendent in a canary yellow leotard, balancing elegantly on her bottom promoting her aerobics workout.
Memories came flooding back. I once attended weekly aerobics classes wearing the compulsory leotard and leggings with the matching tracksuit over the top. I had a set of Jane Fonda workout tapes and can still remember her voice instructing me to ‘feel the burn’.
I once even attended classes at Pineapple Studios in London. The classes were really scary, mostly attended by professional ballet dancers. At 5ft 0 I must have looked like a baby hippo amongst a herd of gazelles. The sessions were always packed and I always stayed at the back attempting to follow the instructions and keep time to the music. I can hardly believe I was brave or stupid enough to try. I was lucky not to get injured. Talk about trying to be fashionable instead of sensible.
Over the years I’ve gone to callanetics, pilates, joined a gym (more time spent in the sauna than on the machines) bought an exercise bike and generally followed whatever was the latest fad.
Aged 27 in the middle of a divorce I discovered yoga. The classes were so much help during such a difficult time. This was entirely due to the brilliant teacher who made the classes feel like a way of life not just another way of taking exercise. It was a sad day when I had to move away from the area and could no longer attend her classes.
Then my career took off, I met a new man and I regret to say I didn’t keep up practising yoga.
Last year I visited the doctor with severe back pain that had been pestering me for months. He wanted to send me for physio but agreed I could try yoga at home instead.
So here I am now having returned to yoga after over 25 years. I looked on the web for some DVD’s and books to help me and was horrified. I was shocked by all the merchandising and commercialisation. Yoga should not be like that. Why do people feel the need to buy special clothing? Why had yoga become competitive? Silly really to be so surprised. You can’t ride a bike these days without dressing up in lycra, why should yoga escape the marketing mans clutches? I realise now how hypocritical my reaction was. Didn’t I follow all the exercise fashions when I was younger?
So if the herd has arrived at yoga’s door, even getting the attention of the Pope who declared it evil last November, perhaps it’s not such a bad thing. Some people will move on to the next fashion when it comes. Others will embrace yoga fully, incorporating it into their daily lives. If they do maybe we’ll all feel the benefit.
